Aluminium and Revocation

Index · Post by **Index** » Tue Nov 07, 2006 6:11 am

BRITISH TAKEOVER

A Message from John Cleese (of Monty Python) to the citizens of
the United States of America :

"In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the
USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories excepting Kansas,
which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister will appoint a
governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress
and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of
you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary
OED).

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how incorrectly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour'
and 'neighbour. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix 'ize' will be replaced by the
suffix 'ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary
to acceptable levels. (look up the word "vocabulary").

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient
form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of -ize. You will re-learn your original national anthem,
God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're
not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this
is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol which you have
been calling gasoline-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call
French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried
in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager.

American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", so that
all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English
actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt
English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin
to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one
kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby, (which has some similarities to
American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
Look up the word "nancies" in the OED, it does not refer to the wife of
a former president.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is
not played outside of America. Since only 21% of you are aware that
there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition
of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups,
never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries
in season.

"Thank you for your co-operation"

babelfish · Post by **babelfish** » Tue Nov 07, 2006 6:41 am

...lmfao
that was brilliant thanks XD
i love monty python

The_Hushed_Casket · Post by **The_Hushed_Casket** » Tue Nov 07, 2006 7:06 am

As funny as this is, it really makes me depressed. I have no control over the elections in this country (I can't vote), and yet the rest of the world still thinks I'm a bumbling idiot because I've had the misfortune of being born here.
God I can't wait to emigrate.

Dr.Cox · Post by **Dr.Cox** » Tue Nov 07, 2006 9:09 am

Current Mood After Reading

Lol funnys

Want to kill british people.

Index · Post by **Index** » Tue Nov 07, 2006 10:07 am

Damn them, and their superior comedic abilities!!!

Giving it large with the funnies and disrepecting the septics.

warlord · Post by **warlord** » Tue Nov 07, 2006 10:17 am

Armed Civilian wrote:Current Mood After Reading

Lol funnys

Want to kill british people.

then die not our fualt your lot are gonna bring the end of the world now is it.
its true u lot laugh at us for not having guns on our cops but where the not the ones shooting ourselfs in schools and SHOOTING OUR ALLIES.......
foolish person.

andhow index nice job quoting all that.

Dr.Cox · Post by **Dr.Cox** » Tue Nov 07, 2006 10:28 am

warlord wrote:
Armed Civilian wrote:Current Mood After Reading

Lol funnys

Want to kill british people.
then die not our fualt your lot are gonna bring the end of the world now is it.
its true u lot laugh at us for not having guns on our cops but where the not the ones shooting ourselfs in schools and SHOOTING OUR ALLIES.......
foolish person.

andhow index nice job quoting all that.

LAWL!

Ur funny

IF it wasnt for THE USA!!!.. u would be a pile of rubble >_> Germans would of creamed u long ago >_> i win.

Index · Post by **Index** » Tue Nov 07, 2006 10:39 am

I knew this would happen.........

How can a country that cant take a joke, end up with George Bush as president? Maybe its only funny if you're outside looking in, my bad.

Dr.Cox · Post by **Dr.Cox** » Tue Nov 07, 2006 10:44 am

Hey i hate GB just as much as everyone else but i dont think its funny to much about what is said makes me kinda anger being an american... i get anger at anything foreign

Index · Post by **Index** » Tue Nov 07, 2006 10:46 am

Really? Oh you won't like this then........

LONDON, Nov 3: America is now seen as a threat to world peace by its
closest neighbours and allies, according to an international survey of
public opinion published today that reveals just how far the country's
reputation has fallen among former supporters since the invasion of Iraq.

Carried out as US voters prepare to go to the polls next week in an
election dominated by Iraq, the research also shows that British voters
see George Bush as a greater danger to world peace than either the
North Korean leader, Kim Jong-il, or Iranian president Mahmoud
Ahmadinejad. Both countries were once cited by the US president as part
of an `axis of evil

Dr.Cox · Post by **Dr.Cox** » Tue Nov 07, 2006 10:48 am

[quote="Index"]Really? Oh you won't like this then........

LONDON, Nov 3: America is now seen as a threat to world peace by its
closest neighbours and allies, according to an international survey of
public opinion published today that reveals just how far the country's
reputation has fallen among former supporters since the invasion of Iraq.

Carried out as US voters prepare to go to the polls next week in an
election dominated by Iraq, the research also shows that British voters
see George Bush as a greater danger to world peace than either the
North Korean leader, Kim Jong-il, or Iranian president Mahmoud
Ahmadinejad. Both countries were once cited by the US president as part
of an `axis of evil

Index · Post by **Index** » Tue Nov 07, 2006 10:51 am

Hey dont worry, he has 2 more years yet, He can overtake Osama and get to the number one spot for sure before then!!

Oh wait thats not what you meant is it..........

warlord · Post by **warlord** » Tue Nov 07, 2006 11:36 am

Index wrote:Hey dont worry, he has 2 more years yet, He can overtake Osama and get to the number one spot for sure before then!!

Oh wait thats not what you meant is it..........

lmao right on index

hate us all you like if we didnt exist at all u lot wouldnt be there and the indians would still have their land and insects.

JunkfoodMan · Post by **JunkfoodMan** » Tue Nov 07, 2006 12:56 pm

Index wrote:The survey has been carried out by the Guardian in Britain and leading
newspapers in Israel (Haaretz), Canada (La Presse and Toronto Star) and
Mexico (Reforma), using professional local opinion polling in each country.

Killed by the Guardians. [/annoyingly bad pun]
But that was funny, Not just because i'm british

Grunt Rebel · Post by **Grunt Rebel** » Tue Nov 07, 2006 1:32 pm

13. You will cease playing American football.

NEVER!

I do agree on how GB sucks though.

[cc]z@nd! · Post by **[cc]z@nd!** » Tue Nov 07, 2006 2:02 pm

ok, this is almost getting out of control...

The_Hushed_Casket wrote:As funny as this is, it really makes me depressed. I have no control over the elections in this country (I can't vote), and yet the rest of the world still thinks I'm a bumbling idiot because I've had the misfortune of being born here.
God I can't wait to emigrate.

*backhands THC* you think being born in america is a misfortune? sorry to say so, but i like this country, and i'm glad i was born here rather than somewhere like africa. not saying that other countries are bad, but america has it relativily well-off for people born here.

warlord wrote:then die not our fualt your lot are gonna bring the end of the world now is it.
its true u lot laugh at us for not having guns on our cops but where the not the ones shooting ourselfs in schools and SHOOTING OUR ALLIES.......
foolish person.

andhow index nice job quoting all that.

our 'globo-cop' policy might not be the best, hell, i don't even really approve of it (monroe doctrine FTW), but don't you think that our invasion of Iraq has helped that country at all? this might just be cultural differences, but i would rather live in the US under george bush than in Iraq under saddam hussein. at least in the US we change leaders every 4 years, that way if we get another dud, we can impeach, or tough it through.

Armed Civilian wrote:IF it wasnt for THE USA!!!.. u would be a pile of rubble >_> Germans would of creamed u long ago >_> i win.

sadly, what happened happened, and there isn't really any way to determine whether your statement is true or not. this also nullifies this over-used argument, acting as though the axis were upon london, as the US came by at the last second and saved britain. please, stop being a fanboy and take off the blinders.

Index wrote:How can a country that cant take a joke, end up with George Bush as president? Maybe its only funny if you're outside looking in, my bad.

although i couldn't vote, i saw him as the better option in the election. sadly, american polotics is just going downhill as it becomes a contest, not a government. he isn't exactly a winston churchill, not by far, but there weren't any much better options either.

Armed Civilian wrote:Hey i hate GB just as much as everyone else but i dont think its funny to much about what is said makes me kinda anger being an american... i get anger at anything foreign

polotics aren't a popularity contest, it's a method to control a country for the better. don't "hate george bush as much as everyone else", get your own opinion instead of jumping on the bandwagon. also, i couldn't understand that later section of your post, but i gathered "it made me angry to be american". this is a just a joke, and if you can't laugh at yourself, you have no sense of humor at all.

as for the posts following the last one i quoted, thanks for being sarcastic, humerous, light-hearted, and anything but serious.

as for my opinion on the actual thing that started this thread, i love monty python, and i find this to be pretty funny. glad to see i can laugh at myself and have fun doing it.

Leiukemia · Post by **Leiukemia** » Tue Nov 07, 2006 2:39 pm

Political warfare between teenagers on the internet. Dun Dun Dun...

Now let's have a good time and laugh at ourselves, because we know this was just a joke and nothing to start argueing about 'my countries better then yours".

The_Hushed_Casket · Post by **The_Hushed_Casket** » Tue Nov 07, 2006 4:56 pm

[cc]z@nd! wrote:
The_Hushed_Casket wrote:As funny as this is, it really makes me depressed. I have no control over the elections in this country (I can't vote), and yet the rest of the world still thinks I'm a bumbling idiot because I've had the misfortune of being born here.
God I can't wait to emigrate.
*backhands THC* you think being born in america is a misfortune? sorry to say so, but i like this country, and i'm glad i was born here rather than somewhere like africa. not saying that other countries are bad, but america has it relativily well-off for people born here.

Then let me rephrase that.
I would rather have been born anywhere in Western Europe Canada, Australia, or New Zealand than in the US. Yes, I think being born in the United States is a misfortune - just not more so than many other places.

You may like this country; I do not. Just because I don't live in Africa doesn't mean I can't complain about life.

Cuda · Post by **Cuda** » Tue Nov 07, 2006 6:26 pm

Well, it was either a C- Student, or a Bullet riddled(3 Purple Hearts!) Gold digger that thinks the U.S. Armed Forces Iraq are idiots.

I PICK THE C- STUDENT!

But they have to worry about the Spanish Inquisition.

rossmum · Post by **rossmum** » Tue Nov 07, 2006 8:05 pm

Armed Civilian wrote:
warlord wrote:
Armed Civilian wrote:Current Mood After Reading

Lol funnys

Want to kill british people.
then die not our fualt your lot are gonna bring the end of the world now is it.
its true u lot laugh at us for not having guns on our cops but where the not the ones shooting ourselfs in schools and SHOOTING OUR ALLIES.......
foolish person.

andhow index nice job quoting all that.
LAWL!

Ur funny

IF it wasnt for THE USA!!!.. u would be a pile of rubble >_> Germans would of creamed u long ago >_> i win.

LOL
LOL
LOL

God dammit, if it wasn't for ENGLAND the USA wouldn't exist. And what's this about the USA being the great saviour?

Who fought the Germans back in WWI, before you guys showed up 3 years too late? The Brits. Who fended off the entire German Luftwaffe in 1939 and 1940 while the US sat in their comfy homes PROTESTING against any form of aid being sent to Europe to stop the Germans? Who caused the first German land defeat of the war at El Alamein? Monty, a BRIT. Who caused a major upset by driving an entire Japanese army group back into the sea, out of Papua New Guinea? The Australians, and whose commonwealth are we part of? Oh, that's right, the BRITISH commonwealth.

The US did do a lot to help in the Western Desert and the invasions of Europe later in the war, and a lot in the Pacific, granted... but I'm sick to bloody death of this "OMG AMERICA SAVED TEH WORLDZ!!!11" attitude where the achievements of other nations are belittled just so the USA can pump a little more air into that overinflated ego.

Now that's over with, yes, Monty Python does own. So does Fawlty Towers, Dad's Army, 'Allo 'Allo and most if not all other British comedy. I got to see Billy Connolly (yes, I know he's Scottish... but there isn't really much of a difference anymore, you wouldn't know they're separate countries... if they still are?) live last year, fucking hilarious.