Aluminium and Revocation
Posted: Tue Nov 07, 2006 6:11 am
BRITISH TAKEOVER
A Message from John Cleese (of Monty Python) to the citizens of
the United States of America :
"In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the
USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories excepting Kansas,
which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister will appoint a
governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress
and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of
you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary
OED).
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how incorrectly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour'
and 'neighbour. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix 'ize' will be replaced by the
suffix 'ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary
to acceptable levels. (look up the word "vocabulary").
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient
form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of -ize. You will re-learn your original national anthem,
God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're
not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this
is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol which you have
been calling gasoline-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call
French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried
in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager.
American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", so that
all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English
actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt
English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin
to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one
kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby, (which has some similarities to
American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
Look up the word "nancies" in the OED, it does not refer to the wife of
a former president.
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is
not played outside of America. Since only 21% of you are aware that
there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition
of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups,
never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries
in season.
"Thank you for your co-operation"
A Message from John Cleese (of Monty Python) to the citizens of
the United States of America :
"In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the
USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories excepting Kansas,
which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister will appoint a
governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress
and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of
you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary
OED).
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how incorrectly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour'
and 'neighbour. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix 'ize' will be replaced by the
suffix 'ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary
to acceptable levels. (look up the word "vocabulary").
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient
form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of -ize. You will re-learn your original national anthem,
God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're
not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this
is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol which you have
been calling gasoline-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call
French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried
in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager.
American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", so that
all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English
actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt
English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin
to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one
kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough
will, in time, be allowed to play rugby, (which has some similarities to
American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
Look up the word "nancies" in the OED, it does not refer to the wife of
a former president.
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is
not played outside of America. Since only 21% of you are aware that
there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition
of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups,
never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries
in season.
"Thank you for your co-operation"
Lol funnys
Want to kill british people.
I do agree on how GB sucks though.