My poem...

MidoriSakuragi · Post by **MidoriSakuragi** » Sun Dec 09, 2007 5:08 am

The Darkness

I feel myself walking

and talking in darkness

Because I dont want the sun

It makes me feel like a nun

Darkness is my blood

Darkness is my mud

Darkness makes me who I am

I feel darkly in love with such a thing

It feels as if I were in the night

without light I feel a might

to do what hasn't been done

I must turn out the lights

Reach for the heights

In a bloodbath

In the darkness I call home

phantasmagoric is my name

Darkness is my futile Ember of sorrow

the bloodthirsty night has its feelings

I must contend to

Good bye to the day

Hello to the darkness

Good bye to the sun

The endless shade within in the twilight

Is my delight

The murk of my blood

Shows the Blackout of my ecplise past

I feel so rast in emotion...

I gush in pain while in the flight

of daylight I feel

The the dealings of death

but in the darkness

I am happy

Is that good? I think I'ma make it a gothic song... Hmm...

D4rkFire · Post by **D4rkFire** » Sun Dec 09, 2007 7:30 am

You made it rythme but I think that made it sound stupid especially the Nun part. Poems don't necessarily have to rythme but other than that I like it.

-DeToX- · Post by **-DeToX-** » Sun Dec 09, 2007 7:55 am

6/10..

It needs alot of work. But you tried. ;P

HPDarkness · Post by **HPDarkness** » Sun Dec 09, 2007 8:19 am

I feel it come upon me
A power I can't control
It creeps among the shadows
It moves from man to man
It seems as though it's stopped on me
This curse that I behold

See, It doesn't have to rhyme to sound good.

Work on it a little more, If your school has a poetry class join it.

StalkingGrunt911 · Post by **StalkingGrunt911** » Sun Dec 09, 2007 9:56 am

You feel like a nun because you don't want the sun? -_-

Sounds stupid, you don't need to rhyme everything.

Fail/10

JK-47 · Post by **JK-47** » Sun Dec 09, 2007 11:23 am

StalkingGrunt911 wrote:You feel like a nun because you don't want the sun? -_-

Sounds stupid, you don't need to rhyme everything.

Fail/10

Darkness is mai laief.

Sorry, but a lot of the stuff in there doesn't make sense... It wasn't that great.

Hawaiian Modder · Post by **Hawaiian Modder** » Sun Dec 09, 2007 1:06 pm

StalkingGrunt911 wrote:You feel like a nun because you don't want the sun? -_-

Sounds stupid, you don't need to rhyme everything.

Fail/10

G.I.R. · Post by **G.I.R.** » Sun Dec 09, 2007 1:12 pm

(-_\\) CRAAAAAAAAAAAAWLING IN MY SKIIIIIIIIIN![/cut]

Cryticfarm · Post by **Cryticfarm** » Sun Dec 09, 2007 1:12 pm

Jk-47, I think you screwed up on trying your sig out xD

Aumaan Anubis · Post by **Aumaan Anubis** » Sun Dec 09, 2007 1:23 pm

Less rhyming.

Dsoup · Post by **Dsoup** » Sun Dec 09, 2007 1:26 pm

Write about something else. >80% of teenage poems are about darkness.

SpecOp44 · Post by **SpecOp44** » Sun Dec 09, 2007 2:50 pm

Lame, makes no sense.

BFIGHTER · Post by **BFIGHTER** » Sun Dec 09, 2007 3:56 pm

Dude no, darkness is my mud wtf. There are other things in life than being an angst teen.

metkillerjoe · Post by **metkillerjoe** » Sun Dec 09, 2007 5:13 pm

I felt upon my bosom a lightness from afar
I felt it whither
Then I went to her literature my head spun
I was in heaven, she was my only one
I couldn't get myself to ask
I must be a coward
It all seems to sour
For this love of 7 years to turn up like this
I hate myself for loving you
Even though I feel like you are the only one that I could ever love
Stop giving me hints of love and just say it
I cannot bear it
Cannot bear the thought you mean somebody else
I rather have a stake through my heart

Combine love and some rythmes and religion (7 - the holy ending date in the bible).

MidoriSakuragi · Post by **MidoriSakuragi** » Sun Dec 09, 2007 6:52 pm

Thanks for the feedback, I'll remember no to rhyme as much.

SHOUTrvb · Post by **SHOUTrvb** » Sun Dec 09, 2007 7:44 pm

It's not about rhyming. It's about rhythm.. You can rhyme as much as you want as long as you maintain proper rhythm. I'll look over the poem more tomorrow to critique it as a whole.

INSANEdrive · Post by **INSANEdrive** » Mon Dec 10, 2007 9:10 am

SHOUTrvb wrote:It's not about rhyming. It's about rhythm.. You can rhyme as much as you want as long as you maintain proper rhythm. I'll look over the poem more tomorrow to critique it as a whole.

I Approve this above message.

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Don't let the rhyming take over the poem...it helps if it makes sense. ( Vies a Vie Rap Music.)

MidoriSakuragi wrote:
Because I dont want the sun

It makes me feel like a nun

WHAT!?!

----------------

Rhythm as well as SHOUTrvb as stated.

Dr.Cox · Post by **Dr.Cox** » Mon Dec 10, 2007 8:18 pm

INSANEdrive wrote:
MidoriSakuragi wrote:
Because I dont want the sun

It makes me feel like a nun

WHAT!?!

Nuns go out side. Monks? Not so much.

Cuda · Post by **Cuda** » Tue Dec 11, 2007 7:20 pm

Dr.Cox wrote:
INSANEdrive wrote:
MidoriSakuragi wrote:
Because I dont want the sun

It makes me feel like a nun

WHAT!?!
Nuns go out side. Monks? Not so much.

Are you kidding? I see them cruising the sidewalk in their bright orange robes and New Balance Shoes.